Fairly Philosophical Friday: The Asymmetry of Pursuit

A few weeks ago I saw the movie Elmer Gantry. The title character is a con man who falls for a traveling preacher named Sharon Falconer, and in the process, becomes a preacher himself. Set in Prohibition era America, it came out in 1960. Though it does a decent job examining the role of religion, however, that, surprisingly, is not what stood out for me. There is one scene where Gantry and Falconer are driving in a car. Gantry pulls over and professes his love to Falconer. He leans in to force a kiss upon her, but she backs away and gets out of the car. He gets out as well, and they have a brief argument where she tells him the only person she can really love is God, and especially cannot love someone like Gantry whom she sees through as an opportunist. They get back into the car and drive to a tabernacle Falconer's been constructing. She is tired of being a traveling revivalist and wants a permanent church. They move into the shadows and scary music plays. Whatever happens next is done offscreen, but in my mind, I'm thinking that at best Gantry is raping her, or worse.

But the next scene is not Sharon Falconer suffering from rape trauma, or her dead body being found. No, she's happy and primping herself up for her sermon. Gantry comes in, and it's clear from their interactions that they are now "an item." Apparently, she just needed more forceful "love" from Mr. Gantry to come around. Maybe I'm overreacting, or not fully understanding the scene. I'm a white heterosexual male who has never feared of being objectified from someone who might cause me harm. But I was disturbed by the story's turn of events.

I've been hearing a lot lately about rape culture. It certainly seems to have a greater spotlight now in the wake of certain current events. It may be just me, but I also get the sense that many view rape culture as a new thing. To which I say: Really?! Rape culture is certainly not a new thing; it's an old thing that we are only now beginning to examine. For most of human history — and in many parts of the world even today — women are just expected to have sex whenever a man wants it. And, like Elmer Gantry, it's a man who knows best what a woman wants.

So, what are we to do? How can we reverse this rape culture? I've seen a few posters about educating men on what is rape, exactly. That's certainly part of the solution. A couple weeks ago, when I started this weekly blog series, I suggested that we should live in a more sexually open society. That too, I think, will help alleviate rape. But I think the greatest antidote to our rape culture is to rethink relationships in general.

You see, compared to much of history, we live in a relatively gender equal society. Women can have the same careers and lives as men, when previously they were forbidden or frowned upon. Sure, there is still a lot of work to be done. Women generally get paid less than men for the same jobs, for example. But where it is still very gender unequal is in the area of relationships. Men are still the ones expected to ask the women out. Though they may go Dutch in paying the restaurant bill, it's still the men who is expected to lead the women in date activities. And therein lies the problem. The men are the pursuers, and the women are the pursued. Often, pursuers don't ask the pursued if they want to be pursued, or to what extent. A hunter doesn't ask a rabbit if it wants to get shot. Now, before you start screaming at your computer screen about male privilege and whatnot, hear me out. I am certainly not giving any excuses for when it is acceptable to rape a woman. I am not equating rape with hunting rabbits. Hunting rabbits is an example, not an analogy. In a perfect world, guys would have the sense to make sure the women absolutely, positively, wanted sex. But we don't live in a perfect world. So — and here is where I get into third rail territory — women, you need to take some responsibility too.

I'm not talking about dressing less provocatively or behaving in a way that won't turn guys on. That's impossible. Even if you were to wear a burqa, some guy will think that's superhot. I'm talking about being more assertive, telling man exactly what you want. It's your body and you have to deal with the consequences if you become a victim to rape. And sometimes, women, you need to be the pursuers. You need to take the risk in asking him out. Because gender equality is not just about which jobs you can hold; it's about how women function in the family and in society. And it begins with being more assertive.

So here's some advice: ladies, you wanna know how to get the man of your dreams? Put down that Cosmo. In fact, torch the rag. You'd get better advice on relationships by reading poorly written fortune cookies. See, you're the gatekeepers of the relationships. We're not as picky as you think we are. We're not going to reject you because of that pimple on your cheek. Those supermodels you envy? We know — or should know — that they are unicorns Photoshopped to perfection. So the next time you see someone you like, take the risk and walk up to him and introduce yourself. I bet you get rejected a lot less than we do when asking you. And guys, no, if she does approach you, that is not an automatic invitation for sex.

Perhaps I'm crazy. Or naïve. Maybe I am a little selfish; I am an introverted man who would love to have a woman ask me out. Unfortunately, even if this blog ever reaches more than my circle of friends, I doubt many women will give my advice a try. Our culture of the asymmetry of pursuit is just too firmly entrenched.